This piece is based on personal choices, and comes from decisions
and preferences which one person has in regards to their own D/s
lifestyle. While it does not suggest that it is the right way
for everyone, it is hopefully based upon some commonsense and
logical ideas which others may find helpful in creating their
own D/s philosophy.
It is my firm
belief that everyone should have their own philosophy on D/s.
This is of course true for almost anything in life: if you don't
have a view, how can you say others are right or wrong or that
what they are suggesting will suit you or not? By thinking carefully
about the things that one is doing, or going to do, we can through
our own knowledge and experiences create a philosophy for D/s
which works for us, as individuals.
What is D/s?
is a lifestyle choice, Domination and submission, where people
live their lives opting by nature to be either Dominant or submissive.
In a relationship the one complements the other and is based on
the gift of submission, and absolute trust"
While this is by no means a comprehensive definition I have tried
to encompass the very fundamental ideas of a D/s relationship
into it. It is the starting point for my own D/s philosophy.
My D/s philosophy
starts with the premise that I want to live my life within the
D/s lifestyle, in a long term, full time D/s relationship. D/s
therefore impacts upon every facet of my life, and of course,
other areas of my life impact upon my D/s.
D/s relationship is in many ways the same as a good non D/s one.
There are many elements within the relationship that both parties
have either agreed, or accepted, as part of it. D/s can be very
intense, and therefore it can touch emotions and sensitive issues
more than a non D/s relationship does. The highs can be higher,
and the lows can be much lower. It's a roller coaster ride in
many ways, and without some forethought we may not be prepared
for that ride. If we are, then it can be both rewarding, and exciting.
within D/s and BDSM circles most people will agree that a good
relationship has its foundation within the parameters of safe,
sane and consensual (SSC) practice.
No two D/s
relationships are likely to be the same and so the ideas put forward
here are very general. They are based upon what works for me and
my slave, in which framework we have created a good, healthy,
rewarding, and mutually satisfying relationship.
word for me is mutual: without either party gaining something
which fulfils either their Dominant or submissive needs and desires
it doesn't take long for what may have at first been interesting
and all consuming to become unrewarding and frustrating. Simply
giving all you have (in every sense) to another is not enough.
Of course within the act of giving we can receive in other ways
too; that is undeniable. A sub serving their Dom/me sexually,
or in other ways, may well fulfil their inherent "need to
serve" but it should be remembered that we are not 100% D/s
people. People are intrinsically sexual animals. We do not use
sex just for reproduction: we all have other needs served by sexual
relationships, and as such to deny those creates frustrations
which can become major obstacles in a relatively short time.
In its very
simplest form a D/s relationship is about two people, one of whom
is naturally Dominant, and the other submissive. Each will have
shared goals in regards to fulfilment and each takes a part within
that, mutually sharing the benefits. This is not unlike a dovetail
joint. I often refer to "dovetailing" when talking about
successful D/s relationships: If a Dom and sub "dovetail"
well then it is likely their relationship will succeed. This idea
may well be considered along with the overall thought that we
ought to always operate "within the best interest" of
the sub (or Dom).
Urban Myths Dispelled
What D/s is
NOT, is a way for one person to force their choices and wants
upon another in such a way that they receive a benefit but the
other does not. Many people, when first encountering the idea
of a D/s relationship find little flexibility within the roles
they choose: they have to be Dominant all the time or they don't
see themselves as really Dom. Similarly, with the submissive nature,
if they are not being submissive to all and sundry all the time,
they feel they may not be seen as truly submissive. This of course,
when you actually think about it, is completely impractical. The
submissive who is also a mother cannot sub to her children, or
they will walk all over her.
When we say
24/7 D/s we don't mean that every hour of every day we are being
Master and sub, and that we spend the whole time kneeling in submission
or using the flogger. That's just not practical. The reality of
D/s in a 24/7 environment is such that some days we may not even
encounter any recognised D/s. Living in this day and age we often
have to make the best of what we have: our working, family, or
personal lives may well impact tremendously on our D/s.
Dovetailing and Triggers
was mentioned earlier as a way to describe how two people whose
expectations and needs may well match. Along with this an effective
D/s relationship must have mutuality. This might be defined as
a form of reciprocal arrangement existing between the two people.
In other words "I have something you want, and vice versa".
D/s is about an exchange, whether it be physical or mental exchange,
and the better the exchange, the stronger the relationship will
become. Having said earlier that it is not always possible to
enact a d/s relationship all the time it often helps to find what
we describe as triggers.
exactly that: little acts or words which to anyone else might
seem innocuous, or unnoticeable but to those within an effective
D/s relationship can speak volumes about their respective roles.
One example might be: in public, a Dom can place their hand on
the neck or shoulder of the sub, which can say "I am here
sub". It's not unusual for couples to touch, or be close
in public, and as long as both parties know and understand what
the trigger means, their D/s can be continued through means of
these personal signals thereby reinforcing roles even in situations
where public demonstration may not be an option.
be many and varied: some thought about this will soon find lots
rely on good communication. If each person cannot find ways to
tell the other what they want, or like, or not as the case may
be, how can the other person know. Communication is a fundamental
building block of a good partnership. Not only that, the communication
should be encouraged and every effort made to understand what
is being said. if we don't understand straight away, then use
those lines of communication to find out. By understanding what
someone is telling us we very often can deal with, or resolve
awkward situations far earlier, or avoid problems completely.
If we don't do that, little problems can easily become big ones,
and to such an extent that communication itself becomes impossible,
and relationships become strained or may even fail altogether.
between Dom and sub should be open, honest, frank and respectful.
By respectful I mean exactly that, however being respectful does
not mean that by virtue of their position in the relationship
the sub is in any way gagged (metaphorically speaking of course)
or afraid to speak their mind. the relationship in whatever way
it is conducted should allow for communication in both directions.
While the Dominant is given an agreed level of control consensually
by the submissive, that control must never be used to stop communication,
or to allow the sub to put forward concerns or views. At the same
time those views must also be listened to, and understood.
The Dom who
knows everything doesn't exist, and nor does the Dom who cannot
learn from their submissive. Too many who enter this lifestyle
start with the belief that "Dominant = Know All". How
wrong can they be?
as many "types" of relationship as there are relationships
themselves, each one is unique, and different. Some people prefer
"online" only i.e. they conduct their D/s on the computer,
others mix online and real life, and of course there are those
who live the lifestyle full time. Some will prefer to have part
time relationships, or even casual ones, without any firm commitment
whereas again, some need the stability of a long term one on one
I think it's
also worth noting that if one meets a D/s partner on the internet;
the dynamics of the relationship are very different to those of
a real life one. Many will find that the net leaves them wanting
more, and move from online to real life. Not always of course,
but certainly in many cases. The first step from online is to
"meet", and meetings can be on a regular basis at various
intervals: weekly, or monthly, or whatever suits. If one is honest,
and it is my very firm opinion, one day a week, or the weekends,
does not constitute a full time relationship; one can clear the
decks for a weekend, and once the partner has left return to ones
normal life, with little or no indication of any kind of D/s being
there. Of course for some this is fine, and if they choose that,
and it works, then good luck. For me, there is nothing like the
commitment of every day making things work, together through the
good and bad.
My D/s reality
is that of making the D/s as high a priority as possible, although
this does not, and cannot always happen. Pressures of work, and
life in general as well as kids, and bills and all the rest of
life's nasty stuff have a way of obscuring the D/s that we plan
and hope for. Within that if you are living in a 24/7 relationship
the D/s never really goes away. You cannot run and hide from it,
or go "offline" for a few days. You still have to look
your partner in the eye and work together to do all the non D/s
things. You also have to accept that while you both may not agree
on certain things (either D/s or not) that you are still Master
and sub, and as such there is a scheme in place which should always
come to the fore. A good Master has to listen to and consider
the feelings and thoughts of his sub, and similarly the sub should
do the same. By working as a team you will find that your relationship
becomes stronger every day, and it is far easier to keep the roles
you have chosen without losing sight of the practicalities of
living daily life.
that we try to understand the feelings and thoughts of our partner:
this may not always be easy because by definition in most cases
our natural and inherent tendency is very much the opposite from
our partner. How can a sub think like or understand the mind of
a Dominant, and vice versa? Well, by good communication we can
go at least some of the way. Understanding what makes our partners
"tick" not only helps us to understand their thoughts
and feelings it can help with creating better interaction leading
to better and more fulfilling relationships.
a simple question such as "How did you feel when I did that?"
or "What does that do for you?" can give a great insight
to the mind of the partner. Acting on that gained information
creates ways to enhance a scene, or situation, making it spark
more, for both. Each feeds off the other.
is still being written, and will be added to from time to time